An Eventful Day

So today I realised how difficult it is to recite your own poetry when everybody's eyes  are glued to you. And since I wanted to avoid being in the spotlight so I made an even bigger mistake. When my name was called out, I flatly refused that I won't do it! Could not believe I did that! In front of so many people of my department. But it came so impulsively that I did not even think for a moment without doing that. In order to keep things in order, a very very respected teacher of mine got up and recited it on my behalf. And later on when I walked up to him all embarrassed, he mildly scolded me for not having recited it myself. And I learnt a lesson for life. He said, that it was not a mushaira or something on a big scale so I should not have refused like this. And most importantly, one should never ever be so self-conscious. Just cannot get this line out of my head. And as soon as he said those words, I felt a strong desire to free myself of the burden ob consciousness. This, however, is not easy. The more I try doing it, the more it burdens me...

I am still wondering as to what made me so frightened. A couple of days back I so confidently recited a poem at the rehearsed reading session. Was it just because it was someone else's? Probably, yes. But why is it so difficult to recite your own poem to an audience? Probably because we fear that our personality will shatter to pieces uncountable and we won't ever be able to collect the dispersed pieces of our self...

An unforgettable day! I kept on thinking as to what was Allah's SWT maslehat behind making me go through this embarrassing experience but I could not find an answer. However, I am sure one day, in some fleeting moment of time, I will be answered, inshaAllah.